Anything but a sitting duck

The world is coming down on our heads, and we are caught by surprise and left speechless.

How did this all happen? Where lies the truth? Whom to believe and trust? Chances are, we will never give answers to such questions. So, more importantly, we need to see how to deal with the situation.

I don’t know about you… but I am not willing to act like a sitting duck when I can hear the hunting dogs approaching. The plan stays the same, only now I do not have enough time to think it over, to make it perfect. It has to happen soon, even with errors. Dropping out has become the only way, all the more so now that everything has started to change so quickly.

Currently stuck in a camping ground somewhere in South Crete, holding my breath on what the future will bring. It’s not a silly virus I am afraid of… rather, mankind terrifies me the most. The Great Reset, they call it. Well, regardless how we name it, I cannot allow it to control me, at all costs. These times we live need to be dealt with differently, more responsively, more decisively, more focused.

Methodically planning my next moves, I can assure everybody that I will not be an easy prey.

The journey has begun

So, the journey has begun. My apartment was handed over to the owner at the end of February 2020. Now it is me and my Aleka, the camper van that now hosts me.

For some strange reason, all the stress of the last months (not to mention, years) broke out on the day of my birthday, February 15, 2020 with a panic attack combined with a gastritis. My health deteriorated sharply, but that did not stop me from leaving, only a slight delay was due. On March 10, I had already arrived at Greece. With me, the coronavirus crisis, too. I suffered a lot with doctors and examinations, which just confirmed that I am physically very well and all my symptoms are psychosomatic. I learned to live with my symptoms and began to find ways to manage them. I have not perfected my technique yet, but I am improving. By and large, I started my journey in the mountains of Greece, which is (today, July 22) still in progress.

This trip is not of a tourist nature. I mostly seek self-knowledge, through my lonely path in the provincial and forest roads, the abandoned villages, the few locals, the unique beauty of the Greek nature. I want to meet my real self, the one that was hidden in the noisy life of the city, inside the dummy that the system created for me. To get to know my self who exploded on the day of my birthday, because he could no longer bear to hide behind a face, and aspirations foreign to him.

At first I hated my old self, I considered the time spent idle as wasted. Gradually, with the help of others, I began to come to terms with my past, which was ultimately the reason I arrived at today's complete life change.

At first I hated my stomach and my heart for the symptoms they gave me. I considered them an opponents in my new plans. Now I am learning to love them, they are part of me anyway. As a friend suggested to me, I begin to treat them like a tortured, terrified child or animal, who crossed my way desperate for help. I try to find a way to embrace them, to take care of them, temporarily as if they were not part of me, and then to incorporate them inside me as they deserve. This is an unprecedented project for me, but I am sure I will succeed, as I have done so many times in the past.

My true self erupted because it had something to tell me. At this stage, I must listen to him and take care of him, because he is hurt and scared. With him, hand in hand, we will travel the world and get to know each other for the first time.

Leaving the key under the doormat

I am now going, and leaving the key under the doormat.

Everything is in place, neat and clean. The clothes are washed and folded on their shelves. The floor is mopped, without any trace of dust. I leave my cell clean for the next one to come in and stay as long as he/she wants.

My cell serves me good as long as I am a convict. It's warm, and safe. It is always open and welcoming when I return from forced labor or a short-term leave. All convicts are entitled to short-term leaves, provided they show good conduct and have shown sincere remorse for their "crimes".

My cell has beautiful windows, with a beautiful view. This view is so convincing, that gives you the impression that you can go out and travel to it. Only soon you discover that the view is moving away from you, as you attempt to approach it.

It's a strange cell, my cell. I lock myself the door from inside. In theory, I can always open the door and leave. But a good convict is a convict from within... he/she accepts his/her conviction unconditionally and incorporates it in his/her guts. A good convict is him-/herself his/her first guard.

But one day, I killed my first guard and I vanquished his corpse. I keep it secret and pretend he still lives. None of the other guards have realised anything. Hence, I now have enough time to organize my escape.

Every day, I dig the wall with a teaspoon. Because, a proper escape requires that you don't leave through the door, even if it's open. You dig a hole on the wall, to give yourself more satisfaction thinking of the faces of your guards as they discover the hole behind that big poster depicting London by night, that you bought from IKEA at a discount.

What pleases me more than anything, is that the guards will stay behind with the other convicts. Their cheaply elaborated life does not differ in anything from ours, since their job is to remain among us all day long, to monitor us.

The judge granted me with a longer leave this time. I have shown good conduct, he says, and the probability of never returning from my leave is low. He's right ... I'll be back from this leave. What he does not know, is that I will return stronger and the hole on the wall grows...

A pebble in my hand

It is the awkward moment when your pupils shrink and your field of vision narrows down, centering on "this is what I want." When the nostrils are flaring, and the watch you wear becomes an annoying jewelry.

At that moment, your heart becomes a countdown timer. As if you are under the likeness of the Holy Spirit, you suddenly know. The protagonists in your life up to that moment become foolish extras. And everything you had been considering until then as precious, becomes a lead ball chained to your leg.

Everything you did't know till then becomes now meaningful, and everything you knew becomes silly. Pebbles acquire a soul, and your arms feel extended. In your dimension, you and your plan are in a divine harmony. Horseflies buzzing around you do not bother you anymore.

It's the time for big decisions. The moment you take off the clothes that others have chosen for you, which you have been squeezing yourself in for so many years without knowing it. It's the moment you will plug your ears, to hear only whispers from inside. When you realize that the biggest cost is not the wasted years that have passed, but the wasted years that will come, if you do not make the right decisions.

"That's what I want." And I will get it through a lonely route, just like we are born and die. A route that will take me from "That's what I want" to "That's what I am." And if I fail, no regrets; the fact that I approached it will suffice.

Like a lion in the cage

So, here I am, following the drop-out plan.

Everything that I have no use for, has been posted in various online markets for sale. Pretty good progress so far, but a lot still to go. I am impatient.

Every day that goes by unrelated to the plan, is a wasted day. Everything seems to have its own pace, whatever I do.

The issue with the mortgage, after my wooden house was destroyed in the devastating wildfire on July 23rd 2018, is still pending. One upcoming court hearing with the same bank, related to a private loan, is due in May. The mortgage court hearing is due in June. I need to play along with the system's rules, until I am finally free.

I was thrilled to receive information about the Camino de Santiago. it came up unexpectedly, and blew my mind. I need to hike it. It's a decision made, only the exact time remains to be decided upon. I want to walk the entire distance from my home in Switzerland to Fisterra, Spain... all 2200 kilometers of it. Am I overoptimistic? I will soon find out. I will do it this summer, will probably need 2 months or more. I am buying a rucksack; otherwise, most of the required equipment I already have.

My patience has long expired. I am walking in my home in circles, like a lion in the cage. Somehow, starting off before setting things right seems not feasible. Or is it just me... and my fears, my stress for the unknown. So much "code" to delete, convictions from the past that restrict the future. I need to get rid of them ASAP.

Somehow, Chopin seemed the appropriate background music, for writing this piece. It relaxes me. It soothes my restlessness. Everything will happen at the right time, the universe knows better than us. We just need to take the proper junction and ride the proper parallel universe, in the multitude of options. And then, everything comes in place, by itself. I trust. I know.

I feel I do not belong to the current dimensions, I need to move out of them, I suffocate. Ah, patience i don't have. Why... So many years have passed in oblivion, why rush now! But, after taking the red pill, the "reality" is so unbearable. I urgently need another reality. My reality.

It's reassuring to learn that I am not the only one who thinks like this, and I am not crazy. People are actually doing it right now, as we speak. Jeremy Noronha is one of them.

So, what's the plan, Stan?

I was fascinated by the principle of Minimalism and realized that I need to get rid of a whole bunch of useless stuff I kept with me. Clothes I hadn't worn once in the last 15 years... a sofa I always hated... a Hi-Fi system that I never played for years. You know the old saying, “one man's trash is another man's treasure.”

I figured that, before I even start thinking what the next step would be, I needed to get rid of as much dead weight as possible. Living light gives you flexibility, responsiveness. I know this is the right thing to do.

• A few months ago, I managed to sell a property I inherited from my parents. There are a couple more to go. 
• I donated clothes to the poor. 
• I put all the useless staff on Facebook market, and they are slowly being sold one by one.

At the same time, now that I am jobless, I have all the time I need to read articles, watch videos, talk with people. I feel that this is the mental preparation I need to do. The universe will send me the right hint at the right time, as it has always been doing. I just need to pay attention, to stay focused.

The plan will be streamlined along the way. There is no time left to waste.

What's the history behind all this?

What brought me here? Well, I am not sure. Maybe it becomes more clear to me, as I put the milestones in order. So, let's begin.

I was born in 1965. My brother joined me in this world 1,5 years later. Childhood was ok, I suppose. Two things I still remember: I was seeing nightmares during the night and, occasionally, scary visions during the day. They phased out some time during my adolescence. I mention it here, because it may be significant later, I don't know.

Terrible student at the beginning, until I became 15, when for an unknown reason I turned 180° around and became among the top in the class. Passed the qualification exams and entered the School of Chemical Engineering. Graduated in 5 years (normal duration) with a very good GPA. After that, I got a scholarship for a PhD in Chemical Engineering at the University of Notre Dame in the state of Indiana, USA. Two years later, I quit my studies with a Master degree and returned home.

Got a job in 1991, later started a business of my own. Got married, had a wonderful daughter (who is now 21). Since 1991, I had been focusing on my career. I worked immense number of hours, but I loved my job so it didn't seem wrong at the time.

First milestone was my divorce in 2004. It was then that I realized for the first time that life is not what I thought it was. Trying to survive the depression from becoming the father of every other weekend, I continued doing what I knew best: working like crazy and neglecting my physical and mental health. 

The second milestone was the economic crisis, that struck in 2008. I hadn't seen it coming. I was caught totally unprepared. I had just received a huge mortgage to have my own house built (which was a perfectly fine decision back then, given the economic situation and my income before the crisis). Until 2012, my income had vanished, contrary to my mortgage monthly payments, child support and living expenses. That's when I decided to seek for a job abroad and, after 6 months of actively applying, i got one in Switzerland. Life seemed to smile to me again. Soon, I managed to recover and reached a point of dignity. After 4,5 years, I quit my job and was immediately hired in another company.

Soon after I started in the new job, the third milestone occurred: a near-fatal accident with my motorbike, on the morning of the 30th of May 2017, on my way to work. It sent me to the intensive care unit with multiple traumas, and a few days later to the rehabilitation center for 4 more months. Stuck on the bed and the wheelchair, I had a lot of time to rethink my entire life. The seed was planted in my head, that I needed to do something to get out of this vicious cycle. But the debt and the cost of living did not allow any good ideas to flourish. Fortunately enough, I recovered fully, and returned to work. 

A year after my accident, a catastrophic wildfire (the forth milestone) burned my house (the one I built with the mortgage) to the ground. Thank God it was insured, and this immediately meant that the mortgage would be soon out of the equation. The drop-out seed immediately started to bud. I was thinking that, soon my daughter will graduate too, and this would mean that two huge financial burdens will soon fall off my back.

Last February, on the 15th, I became 54. In the same month, I quit my second job. The game was afoot!

Reflecting back to my past, I now know that I lived all my life exactly how the system wanted me to live it. Some people rebel early, others never. It took me more time than it should. But, eventually, it happened.